Rate-a-Date

Fri, 04 May 2007 03:04:46 GMT

I am a child of chronic dissatifcation. Perhaps it was an adolescent education on bad romantic comedies and perfectly scripted tv shows, but the result was a longing for outpourings of emotion--preferably in rain storms or on moonlit beaches.
Even GYDO is evidence of my romantic neuroses; I really want to believe in love at first sight in a way that is easily quantifiable, and as an extension, aboslute.
So it is that my angst and ire are roiled by a romance that is full of contradictions. How can someone build a relationship with a person who would clearly rather be alone? Where's the intimacy with someone who's modus operandi is aloofness? The heartbreak is being with the exact kind of person i always hoped I'd be with, and realizing that they simply won't give you all the things for which you'd hoped. There are no outpourings of emotion, there are no hipster, bohemian apartments with happy hour, the intimmacy that once had me convinced I'd figured it all out, is now a rare commodity. Is it true that there's a perfect person for everyone who's on he same page with you, or is all adult life just a seies of compromises until we ultimately lose sight of what we has hoped for?

The real fear I have is that I worry about the old cliche of the man who won't marry. The man who claims not to believe in marriage--it's antequated,it's unneccessary, for some host of reasons it's not on the agenda for reasons belonging to the man, not the couple supposedly. And then through some series of events the couple breaks up, and the next woman he meets he marries. My fear is one of inadequacy and rejection; of not being good enough; of not being anyone's one in a million-ever; and most of all, that maybe it's not that their inability to commit, maybe it's me.

A rookie mistake

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 14:37:37 GMT

it's been a year of being in a relationship, so now i don't date so much as go to dinner once a week and start an argument...needless to say, Team couple isn't so much a team as an act of brinksmanship.
I come back to the long lost annals of dating, mostly because I'm having an existential crisis and so far as i can figure out, it has a disproportionate amount to do with my relationships.

What brings this on? Perhaps it's related to finally entering the adult world...or that my version of the adult world isn't so adult as it is 8 hours of high school drama. This all imparts the disease of regression; I look back across 8 years, and I appear to have stood still.
Sometimes I believe all successful couples must be based on growth, movement, progress--something that seems very self-help at the least. Can I ever be happy--or am I just a glutton for punishment?
Moreover, with the recent rash of weddings I've attended, I've started expressing anxiety about dying alone. Is this melodramatic? Of course, but it makes the proposition no less frightening. And here I am with a boyfriend of over a year, and I can't even find the words to start talking about my frustration.
Worse still even in my own head, my problems are a down-pour of cliches--even the quarter-life existential crisis. And so now, not only must I come to grips with the fact that the man I love will likely never love me in manner which i require, but that I am also a thoroughly unoriginal and bland specimen of womanhood. Unfortunately, the realization that I'm crazy and high-maintenance only creates a positive feedback loop for my worries about dying alone. if I'm so commonplace, there's nothing distinctive enough that someone can't live without me, but by fretting about dying alone, I am less desirable because I'm just like every other woman of a certain age who desperately wants to get married. (Though I realize there are many women out there who have no intention of ever wanting to get married, it will inevitably be their weddings that I'm forced to attend).
The real crisis here is not that i will inevitably die alone and no one will notice, it's that until a year ago I was not a woman who paticularly cared for ideas of tradition. I don't even care so much for the ACT of getting married, I just need the reassurance that someone has my back and supports me. And the refusal to give me that assurance leaves me in a void and completely tears me down, and makes me doubt many of my choices and core beliefs in my life. If I hadn't been headstrong and opinionated...if I hadn't believed that I could do everything on my own...if I were more docile and agreeable...if I had learned to tolerate stupidity and be relentlessly optimistic...if I had moved...if I hadn't been such an intellectual elitist...if i weren't such an alpha dog...if I learned to bite my tongue.
What would have happened if I had been someone completely different?
But I'm not. So at what point do you decide to just work with what you have, or wipe the slate clean and try something else? That is the crisis-the great problem of what to do and how do you know if it's right.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 17:25:40 GMT

The problem with being a couple is that there are two of you.

I keep going back to this blindingly obvious statement over and over again as I reacclimate to couple-life, and as I listen to my friends' relationship disintegrate. Two very different situations, but essentially it's the same problem.

Essentially we all believe that our significant other is of the same mind we are on most matters of importance. Where we acknowledge a difference of opinion, we minimize the issue's importance. And still we persist in thinking someone's commitment to the state of couplehood is a sort of ace up the sleeve, that trumps any difference of opinion for the good of our romantic unit.

My friends started trying to plan their collective future about 7 months ago, and immediately things started to ger rough for them. The idea of a collective future itself is a tough pill to swallow for a generation of people who were brought up to respond to the virtues of self-reliance. All the group projects in grade school couldn't mitigate a fundamentally selfish impulse--afterall, we each got an individual grade for the project.
So how do we go from a lifetime's worth of "I am responsible for my own successes and failures" to become an anxiety-free member of Team Couple.
It is after all a team.

Going through job interviews recently and preparation for my future adult life has been hard enough. Now add to that, I've been going through it with someone I care enough about to consider relocation.
The tension is that I expect that he would always be of the same opinion about future stuff because, I rationalize, it's our future. But really it's mine. We're not adjusting well to the idea of collective future either. And I can't fault him for that, because I am just as guilty.
The problem seems to be that there are two of us, and sure we see eye-to-eye on a great many things, but it's very hard to be on a team with anyone. But it sure beats playing alone.

The flip

Thu, 25 May 2006 04:21:22 GMT

You wouldn't know it based on the tomfoolery that often goes on here, but I am an exceedingly practical girl. Though I am the sort of girl who will take scissors to her own hair when she's bored, so maybe I'm not that practical at all, and it's just the lie I tell myself.
I decided a long time ago, that feeling of your stomach flipping, going weak in the knees, butterflies and the hackneyed maddening romantic bliss was simply not sustainable for any length of time. And not really preferable, for that matter.
It sounds jaded, perhaps cynical or sad to you True Believers. But this is something that is not easily reducible to romantic comedy theorizing--I was not badly hurt by a lover, I am not a workaholic closed off to love, its not even that I've never been in that kind of love. For all purposes, I just want something that's built to last.
My mother spent most of the weekend criticizing my life-choices. This is a passtime of all mothers, I realize I'm not special and she doesn't realize its not really fair to me. And she said of my current paramor (who once many years ago did make me feel the way people say you're supposed to feel) that I was just "settling" on him because nothing better is around. "I'd hate to see you just accept whatever. I want you to marry someone who makes your stomach flip everytime they walk in the room."
Frankly, I've got too much to do in a day to have to let my stomach resettle and catch my breath everytime my significant other walks into the kitchen to get himself a sandwich.
Admittedly, I've never (ever) seen a relationship that worked in my family. We are devourers of men and killers of dreams. The prospect of dating to the matriarchs of my clan is a lot like breaking a horse: You show em who's boss, you saddle him up, break his spirit, put blinders on him and shoot him if he's lame.
That is how we roll.
I learned by watching two aunts, a wild granny and my mother date throughout my youth that the men who make your stomach flip are always the ones who simply don't dig you all that much. Sure they'll say they love you, and adore you...you might even get a present or two, but ultimately these gestures are just laying the groud work so that he can treat you like shit in the long run. You'll excuse his bad behavior because "He clearly loves me because he said/gave/acted a certain way once, and I just know he'll do it again."
My mother married that guy. My aunt had an illegitimate child by that guy. And my grandmother had a thirty year love affair with him.
I always asked why. They would shake their head and mutter off some answer that sounds heartbreakingly similar to the stomach flip.
And I too am prone to my own boughts with romantic insanity--men who do not make me feel like myself, men who antagonize me more than anyone has a right to, men who make me feel alone even when I'm with them. Like every damn fool, I rationalize that I love a challenge. Mount Everest is a challenge; dating an difficult man is a suicide mission.

I don't look back much on those types of men though they made me stomach flip. I look at the experience somewhat unsentimentally. The flip is similar to the sensation you get when you're at the pinnacle of a roller coaster looking down. I felt the same: I thought I was going to die. This is fine for two and a half minute ride, but it's no way to live your life.
Maybe it's too clinical or too sane for your tastes, but it keeps me from seeing my lovers as things to be conquered, tamed or broken. If we simplify our lives by decluttering our apartments, streamlining our personal papers, organizing our finances and generally being zen about our "stuff" why can't we do the same when it comes to romantic love? Why should it be frenzied, manic and overwhelming, why can't it just be sane, simple and calm?

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 04:01:53 GMT

Well, things have been going excitingly well here at GYDO headquarters. That is to say, the rate-a-date might be going on hiatus for lack of easily objectified man-candy.
Trading in, and trading up.

No complaints about getting coupled up though.

For the past year I've been joking that dating is just a numbers game. It's all about playing the odds. I guess the joke's on me, because it wasn't about the numbers or the odds, more just happened to be more.Eh, but that's the problem with playing the odds--you never know when you're going to lose and when you'll hit the jackpot. You just have to decide when to cut your losses, and hope that you aren't missing a one in a million chance.

Its probably good that I've never been to Vegas...i would certianly have developed a gambling problem.

The Return of Some Dude

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 05:37:39 GMT

You may remember Some Dude from Rate-a-Date #1...yes the starting point of this whole crazy GYDO scene. I'll admit, I thought he had some potential. This delusion only lasted a few weeks, and then i just let it fade away over the holidays.
To be honest, I wasn't particularly bothered by his exit--his sense of humor reminded me of a boy I dated sophmore year who had yet to fully develop his own personality, his laugh irritated me. Such things never bode well for romances. But it was a start at the time.

When he called last week to see how I've been and make excuses about how busy he'd been, I was fairly indifferent.
(aside: I've often wished I could be as aloof to those men I do actually like, as I am with some of the doofuses that populate this collection of stories. When I was a young idealist I believed that I shouldn't have to play games: A man should accept my enthusiasm for him and his affection without questioning it. Playing hard to get, I tried to tell myself, is such a dishonest way to behave. Truth be told, I've always been a rather transparent person despite my efforts to seem guarded, and I can rarely muster faux-aloofness for very long. I realize now that the more emotional baggage we all carry around as we age, it becomes necessary to fake this indifference around our skiddish dating prey to lure them out of hiding. Emotionally dishonest? Yes. But I've become convinced if we weren't lying to ourselves and each other no one would ever have sex--EVER.)

So, Some Dude asked me to go to lunch, and ya know, catch up. I have a deep conviction about free lunches--I never turn them down on principle. Even if I'm not paticularly psyched about having to eat with someone who's wronged me or who bores me, a free lunch is a free lunch, and one day people will stop paying for your meals so it's important to take advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself.

When he picked me up at work, I had forgotten just how cute he was...then he started to talk and I remembered he's quite dull. The thing about Some Dude is he claims to be a freelance designer, but really he works for the FSView and occasionally designs a flyer or logo for a club. He complains constantly about not having enough money to pay his bills. He seems to play at having political conviction by quoting Al Franken or Michael Moore, but in the end he's not terribly complex or inspiring. The thing about these sorts of people is they seem fascinating for a short period of time but their set of opinions gets pretty stale after a week or two. Some Dude is the human equivalent of flat soda. Don't get me wrong, he's not stupid, he can be funny sometimes, he's rather handsome, but intellectually he's just not playing to the level.

Trying to decide where we were going for lunch he says "Well, I've become a vegetarian so somewhere I can get something without meat would be good."
What. The. Eff.!!!
Now, I used to say to each his own on that matter, but I've recently found that far too many vegetarians wanna tell me about why my carnivorous lifestyle is bad and try to convert me, so I've decided to adopt a policy of conversion or jihad on vegetarians! Trying to be polite and make conversation I said "so what brought you to that decision?"
Now some answers I could handle: i'm trying to lead a healthy lifestyle, I don't like the way they treat the animals, i'm afraid of mad cow..seriously, whatever. But what he said was off the charts ridiculous
"I don't eat meat anymore because pigs are polluting the environment. No, seriously, I read it in Al Franken."

If you have such convictions about the environment then why are you driving around a big ass SUV, why are you wearing clothing made from synthetic fibers, why do you use anything mass-produced, why are you still eating fish, why don't you recycle at your house,...I mean jesus motherfuckin' christ! Don't try to sound deep when you clearly aren't!

Fucker.
I've said it before: You go and develop an opinion of your own and maybe then we can have a conversation.

Rate-a-date #5

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 21:23:29 GMT

Are we really only on 5? I think I've been cutting corners somewhere.

To be perfectly honest, Number Five, cute res life kid, probably wasn't a date so much as a friendly little lunch, but I've always had a bit of a crush and if I get lunch out of it, so much the better!
I've recently become rather partial to lunch dates because they are finite and there's not too much conversational pressure. If you run out of things to say in 20 minutes it makes no difference because there's food to be eaten. I feel like dinner dates raise the conversational stakes and have a tendency to drag on and on if you've got no plans afterward.

So he met me at my office, which I thought was nice and polite, and I like showing off my work a littlel; it strokes my sense of self-importance. He was sort of indecisive on the lunch thing, and I have a feeling this is consistent character trait. But once we finally made a decision and executed it, the lunch was quite pleasant.
I think we may try to go out for drinks in the foreseeable future...but I've likely said that prematurely before.
Here are the numbers, kids.

Chemistry: 7
Manners: 8.7
Conversation: 7.5
Humor: 6.5 (he's a pretty affable guy, but he's no lenny bruce)

+/- (I thought I'd try something new)
+ he is the quintessential nice boy.
- he inexplicably had a black eye on the date. I mean it wasn't a bad black eye, but still. It wasn't exactly inexplicable either...he got it playing sports; he had an elaborate, albeit believable, story.
-Mediocre taste in music
-I know his exgirlfriend, she is rather pleasant.

Overall: 7.1

I would like to see him again, but he's the type of guy who is everyone's buddy. He reminds me of Stephen Joseph Turner in this way. Frankly I already have a boy in this category: His name is Hot Nerdy Tom, and he will never sleep with me. So, the lesson we learned? It's best to just be buddies with Buddy-Guy. Not to be confused with Buddy Guy, Chicago Blues legend.

The Mixtapes of Our Lives

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 03:25:58 GMT

I am still unsure as to the mental defect or personality flaw that has caused me to make mixtapes for the fellas I date. It's no indicator of sentiment or comittment, because I've made them for men who've barely comprised a blip on my romantic radar and refused to make them others whose thrall I was most assuredly in.
But all my romances have come with a soundtrack. My suitors are usually as unaware of the imaginary mixtape that plays in my head on dates and first kisses as are the characters in a movie.

Songs that remind me of men I've dated, Volume 1, 13-19

1. Jesus and Mary Chain-Sometimes Always
2. Frente-Bizarre Love Triangle (From Marvin: The Album)
3. Bauhaus-In the Flat Field (from Crackle)
4. The Pixies-Dig for Fire (from Bossanova)
5. Ben Lee-Nothing Much Happens (From Breathing Tornados)
6. Tori Amos-Leather (from Little Earthquakes)
7. Liz Phair-Jealousy (from Whipsmart)
8. Yo La Tengo-Autumn Sweater (from I can hear the heart beating as one)
9.Beatles-In My Life
10. The Misfits-We are 138 (from Static Age)
11. Placebo-Pure Morning (from Without You, I'm Nothing)
12. David Bowie-Let's Dance (from The Singles...among other releases)
13. Social Distortion- Ring of Fire
14. Aphex Twin- Girl/Boy (From The Richard D. James Album)
15. Screeching Weasel- I was a High school Psychopath (from Wiggle)
16. Ben Folds Five-Gone (From Whatever and Ever, Amen)
17. Cake-Daria (from Fashion Nugget)
18. The Queers-Love, Love, Love (from Summer Hits)
19. Richard Hell- Blank Generation
20. Paul McCartney- Maybe I'm Amazed (from McCartney)

Perhaps tomorrow I'll work on Volume 2, 19-24: The Getting Laid Years...

A word on: SNEAKY GUY TACTICS

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 21:03:50 GMT

As of late, I like to think, sadly, I've become an expert on sneaky guy tactics (henceforth, SGT). Certainly, at 16 I was an easy target for the SGT, even at 18 and 19. By 20, I like to think I'd been sufficiently embittered and hardened by my life of dating and crime, that I was I could spot disingenuous dude trickery a mile away.
Here are some of my least favorite SGT's.
SGT-1: "The poor wounded puppy dog."
I'm not gonna lie, in small doses this gets me every fucking time. This tactic ought to be on a greatest hits compilation for players everywhere.
The line: My last relationship really messed my head up.
The reason: To excuse his bad behavior, aloofness, emotional unavailability, or unwillingness to commit on even the slightest level
The promise: If you're patient, he can work it out and then is so thankful to have your wonderful self.
We believe this SGT because we want to be the caring nurturer; we want to show a guy just how sweet and feminine we can be by nursing him through his hard time with understanding and no-pressure nookie. I've always said, and in a some tempered way still believe that the fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody new. It's blown up in my face enough times to have caused my development of a whole moral philosophy around when getting-over-some-dude dating is ok, how it should be executed humanely and exactly what you need to tell your intended rebound guy. But in general, guys don;t have a problem getting too attached.
I'll admit shamelessly that I've taken this SGT to heart, and have excused my bad behavior in the recent past with stories that begin "In my last relationship..."
Often it's the first red flag to myself that I really don't like the guy I'm with as much as I think I do. If I liked him, I would just deal with my shit instead of using it as an excuse.
If dudes weren't sneaky, they would too.

SGT-2: Kicking you while you're down
The line: I know you've had a bad day (because of me)/ been dumped (by me)/ are sad (because of some stupid shit I did), so let me do something sweet for you.
The reason: because you are the slowest gazelle in the herd
The promise: Even though he may have seemed like the biggest dick in the world mere minutes ago, this act of compassion must certainly show some depth of character, and that -this time- will be different.
Unfortunately, this time is never different. "This time" is always easily replaced by the phrase "last time." I'm not going to be overly harsh about it, I'm sure on some level guys actually do feel bad when they do heinous bullshity things, but that doesn't change the fact that most of the time he doesn't feel enough of anything to stop himself from those horrible bullshity acts.
SGT-3: His "Friends"
The line: I was just doing x with my friend (who is obviously female).
The Reason: There's some gray area here, and that's why this SGT is so effective! On the one hand, guys -do- have strictly platonic female friends. (I have one myself. I couldn't be less attracted to him, and he to me. ) Unfortunately, far too many guys take advantage of this and cloak dating several women at once in the language of "my friend" So how's a saavy girl to spot the difference? It's tough, I can't lie. This is the most problematic SGT for me. At a certain stage, it's simply bad form to expect to meet his friends--it's step, not a big step but still a step. But if you've been dating a couple of months, and he's met your friends and you haven't met his...well, that's fucking red flag city. It's particularly bad because it means he dates so much he couldn't even drum a few token male friends to pass off as those elusive, nameless "friends" he always seems to be hanging out with.
Even if he owns up to all his female friends with the promise "They're just friends," which every reasonable girl should accept at face value, it's still a little sinister if you're not meeting them. If they haven't met you, it's safe to assume you don't exist in their world. I harbor no illusions about the man who has a stable of "good female friends"; if I'm not meeting them, he's probably screwed, is screwing or trying to screw one of them.
SGT-4: I miss you
The line: Well, obviously, I miss you
The reason: To disarm you.
The promise: That you're so unique and wonderful, he just can't be with out you. Nothing else will satisfy. You're it. You're the one.
I've learned to diffuse this particular situation with the question "What do you miss about me?" If they haven't thought about it enough to answer fairly quickly, they obviously haven't really missed me...they missed not being alone. The two are easy to confuse.
"I'm impossible to forget, but surprisingly hard to remember."
What happens when a tricksy guy misses you? Who the fuck knows, but I'm pretty certain that they always forget they missed you just as soon as you come back...and then you're right back where you started.
SGT-5: The invitation you're not supposed to take him up on.
The line: I would love it if you could come to x, but...
The reason: This isn't always intended to be sneaky, sometimes it's just a matter of politeness, but it's the intention of the gesture that determines it. If it's meant to placate you or prove he's some how become a open and genuine person, it's almost always an SGT
The promise: The invitation to whatever event you -obviously- can't go to for whatever reason is meant to seem like some great keap of intimacy, all with the safety net of knowing that he won't have to follow through. It's the worst kind of SGT, because you know you can never prove his motives were impure. But if you unexpectedly accept the offer, only to hear stunned silence, chances are prtty good you've been SGT'd.
Fuckers!

Yes, I'm cynical about the whole prospect of dating lately. Of course, women have just as many sneaky lady tactics up our sleeves--there's a whole cottage industry of books devoted to teaching the art of sneaky girl-ness to all of us inpet daters. A chapter from Why Men Love Bitches is titled: HOw to be Dumb like a Fox. It's all about the art of manuipulation; of seeming soft, feminine and manageable, all while controlling a situtaion without him ever realizing it. I, of course, have always preferred strong arm extortion to anything remotely resembling finesse.

I'm just so fed up with having to decide how much bullshit I will tolerate--because you have to tolerate some, of course. That's just the nature of all human relationships. It's a parabola of candor.

The back story

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 15:46:43 GMT

Well Friends, for a gal who isn't dating, an awful lot has been goin' on in GYDO-world. Things which continue my streak of really odd coincidences. Things which I wish not to launch into here, today...but perhaps some other time when things seem clearer.

Today I wish to rumminate on dating during my 23rd year, which concludes this Sunday. I'd like to be able to whole-heartedly throw my hands in the air and mutter something to the effect of: "This year blew, and I want nothing to do with 23 ever again."
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I can do nothing of the sort.
23 started off with a bang. Actually not so much of a bang as a bit of a slump. Feeling fiesty, I asked out an extremely attractive computer geek boy at the library, and threw myself a large birthday party for the purpose of making myself look cool in his presence.
He never showed up.
But I had an amazing time at the party and only felt a twinge of embarrassment when I saw him several weeks later. So, 23 began with a startling reaffirmation of my old maxim: You gotta bat your weight. I am perfectly aware that I am not the girl who should be trying to play in the major leagues. Truth be told, that kid was barely out of the bush leagues...but coming off of a season on the bench, a shy, red haired boy, wearing nice shoes and khakis was just about all I needed to start swinging for the fences again.
And that fence? Hot Nerdy Tom.
Sure looking back on it, I knew right from the start the Hot Nerdy was not for me in any way. To be frank, I'm tired of breaking in sweet, shy, inept boys for women who will ultimately take advantage of my hardwork on boys who are too inappreciative of my patience with what I kindly pretend is endearing deliberativeness.
The HOt Nerdy wasn't so much a blow to my ego as it was a state of accute confusion. When your meek and bumbling crush confesses he's in an affair with his married professor lady--well, you should expect that you're not gonna land on your feet for a few days.
And I didn't. It took me a whole two weeks to land in the office next door to mine. At the time, I convinced myself that maybe it was just a fine stroke of luck, karmic payback for all the boy misery I've been dealing with since Stephen two years ago. The parade of no ambition, emotional cripples, toxic personalities, and well the guys that are my "type." Sure, I knew right away that he was still completely torn up about his ex, he mumbled when he talked and didn't seem to take a breath when he got involved in a monologue. My first instinct was that he'd be another in a long line of ridiculous whims I'd entertained, just a flakey and failed conquest.
Unfortunately, the ease of it all lured me into a false sense of security, and I soon became the ridiculous gigglebox seething with emotion and fuzzy feelings that I too often pretend I am not. And yes, I became the ridiculous, irrational girl that I hate inspite of myself. The next seven months were an emotional roller coaster, with very little upward momentum.
Yes, I got jerked around to the point of having emotional whiplash, treated poorly and my self-esteem was crushed. But I have no one to blame but myself, and well...and him, too.
In general, I consider myself above reproach in all instances, but had I been anyone else, I would have muttered "stupid girl, you deserve what you've got coming to you," in that dismissive way I've mastered. But, I like to think that 23 was a good year to learn a few things. I'd hoped they'd be sexy things, instead being the living example of the book He's Just Not That In To You , but alas! A lesson is a lesson.
People will only treat you as bad as you let them.

In the remaining months of 23, I resolved to see if I'd taken the lessons to heart. Maybe I'm deluding myself, and this is just my delicate way of saying that I'm a glutton for punishment. In either case, I started dating furiously. I decided to try online dating for a month. The result outcome is the journal you've been so dedicatedly reading since November.
You know the ups-and-downs, and while a lot of it sounds like bullshit, I can't say 23 was all bad. I'm happy to be moving on to 24, maybe find myself blissfully alone for once and, the optimist in me says, a little wiser.

He's just not that into you

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:43:19 GMT

I was hoping hot history teacher would a grip on himself. He still has not, and has been frequently lamenting how fucked up he is.
He'll get no more argument from me. I don't fight for any man.

I just need something a little less exhausting. That's why I've also given up on dating.
I'm taking a bit of a siesta from the online dating thing, and not really looking for any cuddle time with anyone other than my 1500 page copy of the _The Essential Writings of Emerson_.
Transcendentalists don't need boyfriends!

You can still expect occasional musings in this blog on the state of male-female interactions. So never-fear, it's like Diet Coke made with Splenda...where splenda is woeful abstinence.

Same great taste, none of the calories.

When you can't fix what's broken

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 18:22:24 GMT

I've been mulling it over since last night, what to do about breaking hot history teacher.
I am the worst kind of woman: I am a schemer. It's not that I'm manipulative, it's that I think there must always be a proper and necessarily deliberate course of action for every romantic contingency.
No, it's not very romantic, but it gets me by in life.
So last night when hot history teacher left my house at 4am, after what seemed like an eternity of uncomfortable conversation, I immediately set to work analyzing the situation.

What happened exactly still isn't clear after talking to him the next day, but I can say for sure the boy either has some emotional demons or is an incredible actor. Immediately my cynicism kicked in: Is this all an act to scare me away? I still haven't discarded this theory. Needless to say I don't need a man who doesn't know how to just stop calliing like any self respecting dude when he realizes it isn't going to work, but I really want to believe that maybe this wasn't a sneaky guy tactic (henceforth, SGT).

But it's clear the problems with hot history are the following: He has incredible reserves of guilt over past failed relationships, he's emotionally distant, he's has a sack full of insecurities, likely stemming from an adolescence without much in the way of female attention. I'd wager he was an excessively awkward kid, definitely nerdy in a bad way, and maybe even a little fat from the way he seems to work out now. In his phrasing, he "doesn't date well." In my estimation, he seems to display some classic manic behaviors--he's exceptionally out-going, funny, zany, generally up, and then suddenly becomes quiet, withdrawn, introverted, inert.

This is not my first run in with manic men. Oddly, my last dose of this kind of brokeness was with another Mike. I still wonder what would have happened if things had gone down differently with that...but my One That Got Away is neither here nor there.
But the problem then, as it is now, is that I'm just not equipped to handle this kind of dysfunction. Despite my inclination to plan and maneuver, the course of action which fixes men has not yet been invented.

But that didn't stop me from trying to find it last night. It's my Everest, really.I analyzed all the factors going in to it--all the red flags makes my recent adventures in dating look like a christo installation
On a completely sane level I see that this is a man who is what he is. This could practically be a chapter of "He's just Not that into you". It would read: If a dude starts crying when you're making out with him, he's just not that into you.
But then crazy Christie kicked in, and she said "Ah-ha!I have a PLAN!"

The plan? Wait and see, my friends, the good ol' wait-and-see.
I asked to take a step back from the whole thing, to try to be friends without all the romantic complications...I feel I need to amazz more information in order to conquer the mysterious mountain that is guy behavior. Or this guy's behavior.

Frankly, I'll be rather surprised if he ever calls again. And not altogether disappointed if he doesn't.
Also, de-cancelled the online dating thing, so fodder a-plenty for GYDO in the coming weeks

I can't have anything nice!

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 08:16:23 GMT

Point 1: I am a moron
Point 2: Tonight I broke hot history teacher

*sigh*
I was quite excited that he was going to come over tonight as he doesn't have school tomorrow, and i really thought we'd have a grand ol' time without fretting over his early bed time.
And we did
For a while.

Everything was going fine.
So why did I have to be a complete and total moron?
Because that's just who I am.

Lemme break it down for you. While making out we stumble quite accidentally into a rather heavy conversation about why he never seems to ask any questions about my life. For reasons that are still not entirely clear to me, this segued into an emotional outpouring on his part.
I initially thought this was just another sneaky guy trick to dump someone with out dumping them--ol "I just have a lot of emotional baggage and can't handle being involved." Never a personal favorite of mine.

So somehow for the next two hours we have something that's like a cross between the RDC (relationship defining conversation) and a mental breakdown.

The good news is I have a quasi-boyfriend, the bad news is I broke him and he doesn't seem sto be under warranty

I'm more than a little confused about everything that just happened...i may have cancelled my online dating subscription just a little too soon

Today's adventure: Get Your Date On and the Ol' Exboyfriend Re-appearance game

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 15:18:18 GMT

What the fuck is wrong with dudes?!
(Not my cute suit-wearing dude, but you know, the rest of 'em)

I arrive at the office today to see a cd with a note attached. I assume it might be something having to do with the crazy computer issues I was having, but noooooooo!
It is crazy dude trickery in the form of musical goodwill!
Note reads:
"Sorry to hear you deleted a lot of tunes yesterday. Here's some to get you back on track."
It's a copy of the Chicago date of u2's Vertigo Tour.

Awww.
No! No aww! No, that's NOT nice! No, that's NOT thoughtful!
Men are trixies is what that mess is!!

Here's a question: Where was this thoughtful, empathisizing creature during the disasterous 7 months we dated last year?! Where was that stereotypically nice guy behavior when he was telling me what a lousy lay I was?

WTF. Now my head is spun around.

Oh man...

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 05:57:18 GMT

If I didn't have a thing for teachers in their windsor knotted ties and nicely pressed dress shirts before... I sure do now.

*smitten*

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 04:21:44 GMT

Just like clockwork...

As predicted there was a break in the hectic week tonight, and History Teacher and I got a little time to talk. He asked if he could stop by tomorrow night after his open house.
He mentioned he'd still be wearing his suit from trying to impress the parents.

Uh...I'm so done for.

Not to mention, it makes me all giddy that someone is willing to make time for me in their busy life. Even if it is just for an hour or so. Nothing is so alluring as someone saying "I just can't wait to see you again."
But this is the part where I always screw up and say "Me neither!"

I once thought that my lack of artifice might seem charming, a refreshing breath of honesty in an otherwise disingenuous dating world. The older I get, the more i realize I'm just creeping everyone out.
So, tomorrow's word of the day is aloof
....and suit. Mmmsuit.

MMMM, Movie Night

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 04:04:27 GMT

Movie Night went well, I think.
We had pizza and watched High Fidelity. He'd never seen the movie and I thought this was totally scandalous as it is one of my favorites. he seemed to like it (And if that movie taught us anything it's: "It's what you like, not what you are like."
We got all cuddly, and for the first time in a while, I didn't feel anxious about the physical contact.
I think its a busy week for the both of us, so I won't get my characteristic worry until atleast Wednesday evening after my intellectual history class.
I'm determined to take this thing slow and easy...
I will not be creepy smitten girl.

Mr. Hot History Teacher and the Battle of Second Date

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 01:31:32 GMT

I'd like to think that I've successfully gotten over the second date slouch...but I've thought that before.
The problem is I generally have great second dates...with guys who suddenly become aloof upon the conclusion of the second date. But date #3 is already on for Monday night: Movie Night, and all indications seem to be good. I'm kind of excited about it
Last night we went to my very favorite Italian restraurant: Mom and Dad's. Even though it is in the middle of nowehere, it's totally worth the drive.
We seemed to find a more comfortable conversational balance last night, and I didn't feel antsy to get a word in edgewise. I learned more about his hobbies and quirks that are sufficiently geeky to put me at ease, but no so odd as to make me raise an eyebrow.
I do have a bit of a red flag, though. He seems to have a bit of a hang up about a librarian he dated about a year ago. There was a hint of bitterness in his voice when he brought her up...that was a double bad. But we talked frankly about it, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, when have I ever let my good judgement get in the way of an ill-advised romance? I know as well as anyone sometimes just the thing you need to really get over someone is to get under someone new.
I'm not sure if I'm gonna be that someone new yet, but it's certainly under consideration.
At the moment all I'm sure of is that he makes me laugh hysterically, he kicks my ass at jeopardy and when he left last night my face hurt from smiling so much.

Looking forward to Movie Night...perhaps more to follow.

Rate-a-date #4

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 05:05:44 GMT

Mr. Hot History Teacher is waaaaay out of my league. Oh man! Seriously...
we met for coffee at 730, and he was a few minutes early...I love early. I felt way off my game...if i had to rate myself as a date...I was only like a 6 last night. Nothing particularly witty or interesting came out of my mouth, there was just something about it for me that was off...
He was, of course, charming and interesting, intelligent and -so- funny.
His flaw: He seems to love the sound of his own voice. A lot of us history people do like to hear ourselves talk...and I'd like to believe he was just over-compensate for my conversational ineptitude. This does explain, however, why an otherwise extremely attractive, well-adjusted, fully-employed, man of 27 with a lovely new car and house and no apparent neuroses is still single. I know as well as anyone that it takes a special kind of geek to enjoy my extended ramblings about school and history and things I've read. Especially when they've not read any of those things. So being that we talked about everything from Stephen Amberose to Shark Week, and he somehow managed to reference Pete Townsend, Emile Zola's "J'Accuse" and what's on his Tivo...I am amply impressed and thouroughly enthralled.
Ordinarily, I'd be plagued by self-doubt because of my shoddy date performance combined with overall hot-osity...but he's already asked me on date #2.

So here are the stats you've been waiting for:

Manners: 8 (he didn't open my door...not a deal breaker but it would have been nice.)
Chemistry: 7 (I'm just not sure-it was pretty good, but man he's definitely one of the best looking boys I've ever been out with)
Conversation: 9 (Hot history nerd action, but like I said, I little too one sided. I really like talking about myself)
Humor: 9.5 (A perfectly timed Emile Zola reference...I laughed embarrassingly loud)

Overall: 9.2

This morning he sent me a very nice email telling me what a good time he'd had, and I love it when men do that. Then he asked me out again for Friday. The fact that he suggested we watch Jeopardy together before going to dinner is indescribably endearing and makes me think that he may be exactly my type of nerdy boy. And I like a once commented to my good friend Courtney Davis: A hot nerd is like Haley's Comet.
I'm really psyched about tomorrow, and am determined to be lovable and quippy and break my second date slouch.

A bad case of nerves

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 23:03:09 GMT

So in about 2 hours I have a coffee date with a hott history teacher (henceforth Mr. History Teacher). Needless to say, I have a soft spot for teahcers and history buffs, and combining those two things...instantly weak in the knees.
It's not enough that he's -just- a history teacher...he's an IB History teacher...so he definitely knows his stuff. Which is what exactly, I hear you asking. Well, funny that, 20th century America. Gee Christie, that sounds an awful lot like what you do.
Oh don't I know it.

What's more: he gets my sense of humor and claims to be undefeated for the last 7 years at trivial pursuit.
Have you ever played trivial pursuit with me, you know its like a religion to me.
So...
Yeah, nervous.

But why? If we have all this good e-rapport, all this great stuff in common...why should this be a worry at all?
There's the part about him being ridiculously, smokin' hot. There's the fact that he describes himeself as athletic...
In short, I am nervous because I am the definitiion of junk in the trunk.
And frankly, 9 time out of 10 I am really fine with how I look and am and all of those things that an empowered woman is supposed to be okay with...but unfortunately, this is not one of those nine times.

i know it's stupid to worry...there's nothing I can or should change in order to impress this guy. But my heart has been racing for hours,and I don't think I've been this nervous before a date in about a year...

well, time to do everything within my power to look less fat and doggy.
I'll rate-a-date when I get home...assuming the butterflies in my stomach don't carry me away

Get Your Date On Explains a Few Things about Women...

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 00:51:49 GMT

The first thing you need to know is We Don't like it when you make us do all of the work in dating
I offer the following conversation:
Dude: Yeah, so do you have plans for New Years yet?
Christie: Not really.
Dude: Yeah, me neither. So...
Christie: [pause]

Yeah, here's the thing...I'm not asking *you* out for New Years. I'm just not...its not because I like to play games, it's not because I'm being a stupid girl or old fashioned. It's because if you liked me enough you'd ask. It's just as simple as that. And if you don't like me that much, then what are you doing wasting my time?
I've read He's Just Not That Into You and I will not be tricked into doing the dirty work of dating.
___

Next thing that surprisingly needs to be explained is Not everything is about your dumb ass

If I have a bad day and say so in my livejournal, if I say something snide in my away message, it was not intended to be a secret communique with you. If I have a problem with you I will let you know in a hurry. It's nice that you care when I have a bad day, but asking "Are you mad at me?" is not going to help the my bad day.
if you think you've done something to cause me to be mad at you...stop doing it! But mostly know that after two or three or ten dates it is unlikely that you are affecting my away messages with your dumb ass behavior.

----

And finally for this installment of womanly explanation is elegantly simple don't tell me about other women you have dated or are dating. I know you have a past...on some level I realize that you're still allowed to date (though I wish you instantly fell in love with me), but I don't want to hear about it. As for former girlfriends, at some point there will be some relevance to your relationship history, but the first date ain't it.
And as for your current dating status...don't...just don't. If you're absolutely not looking for anything remotely relationshipy in the forseeable future, then grow a pair and say that up front instead of dropping hints about being elbow deep in pussy last weekend.
All women want is for you to have an ounce of class. I promise.

A Second Date

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 01:12:42 GMT

So last night I had a second date with Rate-A-Date #3 Cute Outerwear Boy. Yes that means we saw each other two nights in a row. I really wanted to see what would happen if I weren't crazy tired. It was really flippin' fun.

He was on time. Had a plan. Took me to a nice resraurant. In short, he was the perfect date.
I won't belabor the gory details, but I really have to share this story:

We ended up at a quiet little Italian restaurant and were having a nice conversation. When the waiter came to deliver our salads, he sat mine down and then my dates. As he placed the second plate on the table, the waiter quite loudy said "BOOP!"
After he walked away, my date and I sat there quiet for half a second, and just looked at each other and our salads. I normally wouldn't hesitate to make fun of someone, but I wasn't 100 percent sure it wasn't my date--the waiter just went on about his business as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
After this awkward pause, my date looks at me kind of quizzically: "Did he just say...'BOOP!'?!"
The rest of the night was a flurry of speculation over what the waiter could have meant by boop. Needless to say, hilarity ensued.

Seeking your advice

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 15:29:17 GMT

A very important question for the Get Your Date On readers:

Say you have briefly been dating someone. Briefly here meets all the following criteria: duration of dating has been less than a month, quantity of dates is under four, no sex, no relationship defining conversation; but, during your short romance everything has been going well and all signs point to the development of a long term relationship If you quite like the person which conversation would you rather experience to end your budding relationship:
A: The disappearing act: They never call you again and block your IMs.
B: Short but Sweet: "Sorry, I don't want to see you anymore."
C. The Other Man: "Over the holidays, I met someone, and I really don't think it would be fair to continue seeing you."
D. The Road to Nowhere: "Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: you" [No explanation given]
E. Unstable: "I've just got a lot going on in my life right now and I don't think I can handle a relationship."

Are there others? Please give me your input

Rate-a-date #3

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 06:46:26 GMT

Tonight I had coffee with Cute Outwear Boy. Aside from sharing an obvious love of winter-wear, we're both only children. I have some reservations about such a union, but you know dating is just a numbers game.
But he's quite charming in that quirky way like I like. He's a programer of some sort, seems to really have his act together.
The chemistry was spot on, he was funny, laughed at all the right jokes, riffed off of my colorful annecdotes.
I haven't had a good night's sleep in about a week, so I was exhausted...and not quite my usually plucky self. But that notwithstanding we had a delightful time.

He the first guy in a long long time to walk me to my door. Gentlemen readers, take my advice: always walk a lady to her door. Even if you think it's cheezy. Even if she thinks its cheezy! And here's why: it creates and sustains tension. Especially when you don't conclude the door walk with a cliche kiss, it makes a girl deliberate on your first physical contact of any real consequence. Building anticipation...that's the name of the game.
I think I fumbled the ball however... I can't be sure, but I think i went in for the hug. It seemed so natural...I don't handle prolonged anticipation well though.
Anyway, start to finish a very solid date. Hopefully more to follow in the New Year.

Brutally Quantified:
Chemistry: 8.5
Attraction: 6.75
Manners: 9.5 (He was punctual too!)
Conversation: 7

Overall: 8.3

EDIT: He sent me the "I had a really awesome time with you tonight" email when he got home. Double Plus bonus points
Date Overall raises to: 8.8

Holy cow!

Rate-A-date #2

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 09:28:26 GMT

Tonight I met Fedex Techguy for coffee at starbucks. To be honest I was none to enthused, but I've been wrong before.
Unfortunately, this time I wasn't. We got along quite well, but a few times I felt like he might be having a monologue. He also violates two of my Section II rules: minimum SAT score and no college degree. I don't mean to be snobby, but i have these rules for a reason. Though we seemed able to hold a conversation, or at least a thrilling series of monolgues for several hours...this is not the man I have any inclination to hitch my wagon to.
So on with the rating.
Chemistry: 6
(Overall, it wasn't that bad. A few sparks flew here and there, but I didn't particularly feel a need for proximity the way you did when you're especially attracted to someone.)
Conversation: 7
(Though he monologued quite a bit, he did try to be engaging and his monologues weren't as dull as they could have been. )
Manners: 8.5
(Excellent manners!! Opened doors etc. Turned off his cellphone. His demeanor was generally nice, he did however talk a little too loudy in public for my tastes. )
Humor: 4
Sure I giggled, but only cause he was tryin'. And sure he giggled, but only cause I was tryin')
Compatibility: 4
(he ripped on my apple and my choice of liquor. These aren't deal breakers, but it was a first date...it's only going to get worse)

Overall rating: 5.7
Yes, slightly above average, not in anyway unpleasant, but not really worth the effort it takes to make room in my life right now for a man.
Spin again, thanks for playing.

[tonight also happened to be a dating doubleheader, but i'll write about that later because tonight's second date wasn't so much a date, and was totally utterly awesome.]